#5: Killaton's Fate Part 1

VNN Special Report #5:

Killaton's Fate Part 1

We interrupt Fun With Ovens to bring you this special report

“Hello. I am Erik Von Luthor, and this is a Villain News Network Special Report.”

“As we all know, there have been several countries in the middle east that have had their governments collapse as a result of various riots. Various Super Villains attempted to fill the power vacuum that was left behind, but the Justice Brigade was waiting and defeated all of them.”

“In the aftermath of the Justice Brigade's victory, there have been several questions that have yet to be answered. Will Corporal Crosshairs replace Dr Devlix's Windows Phone? Did the UN know the Justice Brigade would be waiting? And why was the Villainous Oven Mitt even given a chance to take over a country? But the biggest question on peoples minds is where was Dr Killaton during all this?”

“Dr Kenneth Killaton, the current president of the United Supervillain's Association, was last seen on February 12, when Dr Devlix asked if he could use the mechs he stored in the great pyramids in Devlix's attempt to take over Egypt. He did not show up for a meeting to determine who from the USA would receive a special permit to take over a country. And after everyone was defeated, the search for Dr Killaton began.”

“Sadly, the search came to an end earlier this week when human remains were found in the feces of the most dangerous animal in the world, the North American Rabbit. And earlier today, DNA tests confirmed that they were Killaton's.”

“An investigation of Killaton's lair found an encrypted file on a hidden flash drive. The file was a letter that said that he was sick of the constant battling against super heroes and had decided to end his life in the most peaceful way possible; being viciously torn to shreds by small pointy bunny teeth.”

“Killaton, shown here cheering on his beloved Minnesota Awesome, was well respected in the Super Villain community. Our thoughts and sympathy go out to all his minions.”

“We will of course keep you informed on any new developments in this story. A memorial service has been scheduled for two weeks from now, in accordance to the Super Villain Death act, just in case he faked his death. Until then, I am Erik Von Luthor. Good Night”

We now return to Fun With Ovens already in progress.

#4: Chaos In The Middle East Part 4

VNN Special Report #4:

Chaos In The Middle East part 4

We interrupt The Deaf People's Opera to bring you this special report

“Hello. I am Erik Von Luthor, and this is a Villain News Network Special Report.”

“Late last night, the last of the Super Villains who received special permits to take over part of the Middle East surrendered. The Villainous Oven Mitt, when he realized he had received a permit to take over Libya, returned the permit and said he would not be using it.”

“'I have to take Muammar Gaddafi? That guy is as evil as Dr Phil! I don't want to face him! I would rather get my face smashed by Spatula Man again then invade Libya!”

“The Villainous Oven Mitt was of course only partially correct. Muammar Gaddafi is only almost as evil as Dr Phil. Dr Phil is, of course, the most evil man to ever live. Compared to him Hitler is as harmless as a Catholic priest.”

“Upon hearing that he had been compared to a Catholic priest, Mecha Hitler issued the following statement.”

“Hey, don't compare me to a Catholic Priest! That's just mean. Sure I tried to kill off entire races, cultures and people groups. Sure I tried to take over the planet. Sure I may have caused the death of millions. But at least I never did any of the stuff they or the Vatican have ever been accused of. And at least I am willing to admit to it all and not cover it all up.”

“This of course was considered by the Vatican as an insult. The Pope issued the following statement.”

“There is no validity of the rumors that we cover up a bunch of stuff that we have done over the years, because we haven't done any of it. So there is no reason to cover it up. The Bible says to turn the other cheek, and that is what we will do in regards to these allegations you tin plated sorry excuse for an evil dictator's brain inside a robots body. Besides, at least we are better then the government in Wisconsin.”

“After hearing this, a representative from Wisconsin had this to say.”

“Well, he's got us there.”

“After hearing all these things that could be considered offensive to some possibly overly sensitive people, our lawyers asked us to issue the following statement. And have it run across the bottom of the screen or before this goes on the air as a disclaimer.”

“The issues of the people expressed in this special report are not those of the program or the Villain News Network. Except for those said about Wisconsin. Those are totally true. GO VIKINGS! Also, lawyers suck. Wait. I'm not saying that. Teleprompter guy, stop typing. Why are you pointing a gun at me? Fine. I'll read the statement you have prepared. 'I, the network's lawyer, am a stupid poopy head.' can I read what I came here to read now? We're out of room and time? Awe crap.”

“We aren't completely sure what was meant by most of that. But it has a lot of good points. Go Vikings.”

“and with that, this line of questions, comments, and rebuttals came to an end, but if anyone starts it up again some how, we will be back with all the details. Until then, I am Erik Von Luthor. Good Night”

We now return to The Deaf People's Opera already in progress.

#3: Chaos In The Middle East Part 3

VNN Special Report #3:

Chaos In The Middle East part 3

We interrupt the Dances With Fish to bring you this special report

“Hello. I am Erik Von Luthor, and this is a Villain News Network Special Report.”

“Earlier today, the Super Villains who were lucky enough to receive special permits launched their attacks in the Middle East. Unfortunately for all of them, the Justice Brigade was waiting. Utilizing a teleportation device developed by Sargent Tech, the Justice Brigade was able to quickly move from country to country, defeating each of the villains.”

“Only Dr Devlix, who was attempting to take over Egypt, managed to last more the a few minutes, thanks primarily to Mechs he borrowed from Dr Killaton. Despite their best attempts, the Justice Brigade could not stop the combined might of the Mechs and Devlix's Ninja Monkeys. It looked like Corporal Crosshairs may have shot Devlix at one point, but it was later learned that he merely shot Devlix's new Windows Phone 7.”

“Devlix reached the center of Cairo but was stopped when Captain Super Guy arrived, destroying the Mechs and defeating all the Ninja Monkeys. Devlix fired a ray gun at a nearby and strategically placed weapons depot, causing an explosion. Captain Super Guy went to save mannequins disguised as people in a near by building, giving Devlix a chance to escape.”

“While Devlix hasn't been seen since then, it is believed that he has survived and will resurface eventually. Meanwhile, Corporal Crosshairs has been criticized by the entire world for destroying a piece of cool tech and has been ordered by General Justice to replace the Windows Phone 7 should Dr Devlix resurface.”

“In other news, the Justice Brigade is celebrating a new personal best. While the final numbers are not yet in, it is believed that they stopped the Villains while only causing 1000 civilian casualties. If this is accurate, it will be the lowest body count for a level 5 Super Hero Battle ever!”

“There are still several Super Villains that have yet to use their permits, but once they do, we will let you know the outcome. Until then, I am Erik Von Luthor. Good Night”

We now return to the Dances With Fish already in progress.

#2: Chaos In The Middle East Part 2

VNN Special Report #2:

Chaos In The Middle East part 2

We interrupt the documentary The Life Of Algae to bring you this special report

“Hello. I am Erik Von Luthor, and this is a Villain News Network Special Report.”

“The United Nations World Domination committee announced moments ago their plan for how to handle the issue of special permits that would allow Super Villains to take any form of action in the Middle East as a result of the recent chaos. Committee spokesman Jacob Jaberflast said that each of the major Super Villain unions would receive one permit, and it would be their responsibility to give them to anyone they felt should have one. The only requirements were that the person chosen had to be ready to take over the country they were assigned with in 24 hours of receiving their permit or the government of the country collapsing.”

“What country each union has been giving is currently unknown. The news caused uproar from the Independent Super Villain community”

“This is a bunch of bull sh!t! Why do those f#ckers get to take over countries and we can't? Because we aren't part of a f#cking union? That's a bunch of f#cking Bull sh!t! The World Domination Committee is nothing but a bunch of f#cking @$$holes!”

“The Verbal Offender's reaction, while more colorful then most, is matched by many in the Independent Super Villain community. Will this cause more to join the various unions? 'Yes' says an expert that asked to remain anonymous but looks and sounds a lot like Steve Jobs.”

“The reaction from the Superhero community was much more reserved. Justice Brigade Chairman General Justice had this to say.”

“We have no comment at this time.”

“With the names of the permit recipients to be released by noon eastern time, we will soon learn who will be rising to power in the Middle East. Until then, I am Erik Von Luthor. Good Night”

We now return to the documentary The Life Of Algae already in progress.

#1: Chaos In The Middle East Part 1

VNN Special Report #1:

Chaos In The Middle East part 1

We interrupt Cooking With Irma to bring you this special report

“Hello. I am Erik Von Luthor, and this is a Villain News Network Special Report.”

“Since the riots in Egypt started on January 25, Chaos has consumed the Middle East as other countries have followed in the footsteps of the Egyptian people. Equally chaotic has been the reaction of the Super Villain community. Since Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak stepped down this past Friday, Super Villains from around the world have been submitting applications to the World Domination Permits department of the United Nations, all attempting to gain a foothold and fill the power vacuum in the Middle East. “

“A representative of the World Domination committee said that the recent events in the Middle East has presented the Super Villain community with a unique opportunity, so it was decided to allow people to apply for a special permit. Unfortunately they failed to anticipate the demand for the special permits, and as a result the Permits Department has been flooded with people, both registered Super Villains and Civilians hoping to break into the Super Villain game. One Super Villain, Professor Peril, was reported as having said that he hasn't seen a room that crowded since the time his Cloning Vats accidentally released all the clones at the same time.”

“We now go live to the World Domination Permits Department in New York City, where Ramsay Gorden is standing by. Ramsay, how are things there.”

“Um, pretty calm actually. I'm surprised we're reporting on it.”

“Ramsay, are you in the World Domination Permit Department in the United Nations Building in New York City?”

“Of course I am. Where else would I be?”

“Um, maybe a mall in Toledo, Ohio?”

“What would make you think that?”

“Maybe the big sign over your head that said 'Welcome to the biggest mall in Toledo, Ohio?'”

“............I might be there.”

“So why are we talking to you?”

“I'm not really sure.”

“Now I know why you were fired by BBC America.”

“You do? Because I'm still trying to figure it out.”

“Sigh. You're an idiot Ramsay. As for the situation in the World Domination Permit Department, we will keep you updated on it as it develops and will break into programing if there is anything to report. Until then, I am Erik Von Luthor. Good night.”

We now return to Cooking With Irma, already in progress.